I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!

If this is the price we must pay, I say let the daylight go unsaved.

They can correctly answer how long Oz lived in New Jersey, but have zero clue what the chain rule is.

Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents? 

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 

We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.

I am Girl.

Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 

I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least. 

SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.