Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?

Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).

Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.

Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv

"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"

That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????.

How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment? 

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 

“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

A halal cart menu hack! 

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”