“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.

This quiz will determine whether YOU get into heaven. 

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

He got a FAANG acceptance!

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 

Go ahead, google what a lien is.

Quaint and comfy, this basement is complete with visible wall insulation, industrial chic lighting, and bare concrete floors.

 I am “your cousin Kevin” now, bitch.  

This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.