Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.

I look at my resume. Job experience: tennis teacher. Clubs and activities: under the button. Darn it, this won’t get me that internship at Goldman Sachs.

He has a spelling test tomorrow. 

My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse.

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

“Path@Penn is truly uncharted territory”, says academic advisor Moma. “I am very proud that Penn students are approaching the danger and unknown of Path@Penn dauntlessly. The students who have perished while pushing the frontiers of Path@Penn will not have died in vain."

Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.  

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported.

It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 

The answer is shocking.

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.