In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  

On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.

That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.  

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?

Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?