DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)
MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!
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Wowza! Locust Walk Reimagined Thanks to Penn-BlackRock Partnership
Preposterous! Sure, snake-game tile patterns work for the technocratic healthcare managers of the world, but the New Sincere era calls for more garish tile displays.
DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)
MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!
UTB Investigates: How Does Dry Cleaning Work?
I know I’m terribly naive, but doesn’t cleaning need water?
Wowza! Locust Walk Reimagined Thanks to Penn-BlackRock Partnership
Preposterous! Sure, snake-game tile patterns work for the technocratic healthcare managers of the world, but the New Sincere era calls for more garish tile displays.
"Step One, Roth IRA...": Wharton Freshman Advises Displaced Philadelphia Residents
Steps 4 and 5 are to get a couple hundred thousand dollars from your father. If the displaced residents follow this simple 5-step plan, they should be Main Line homeowners in no time.
OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?
I must conquer both my quirky, boyish, relatable self, and my petite, teeny-tiny, hourglass figure.
EXCLUSIVE: The Inside Scoop on Liz Magill’s Synesthesia
When shown the Stanford insignia, reminiscent of her former employer, Magill responded, “Somewhere between Elizabeth Holmes and petrichor.”
Penn Introduces New Study A Broad Program
At the end of the semester, participating students will be required to give presentations to the Penn community on what they learned from their time studying a broad, such as whether or not she is a vibe.
OP-ED: Twin-XL Beds Perpetuate Unhealthy Barbie-Like Beauty Standards
In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne.
I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw
“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?”
Slay Yes, Mama! Girl with Slicked Back Bun Goes to Gym to Walk on Treadmill for 10 Minutes
Is this the new face of student athletes?
Dear Locust Walk Fruit Man: I Love You
Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action.
President Magill Pledges To Host Second Ice Cream Social in Response to Townhome Protest
The ice cream social will take place on October 8th, as a tribute to the townhome residents who will be evicted on that day. Although none of the residents or community organizers are invited to the social, it is expected that President Magill will acknowledge them in her speech by vaguely referring to “Penn’s neighbors in West Philly” who “deserve our respect, but not our money nor our attention.”
Girls in Class of 2026 Very Mature for Their Age, According to Report by Men in Class of 2023
The results are in and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better.
Suck It: The Two Genders Are Slay and Bruh
I am speaking my truth.
OP-ED: Why Don’t We Throw Parties During the Day? Dayparty? Drarty?
Why are we waging war on our circadian rhythm?
Don’t Kid Yourself: Stress You Are Currently Experiencing Comparable to Past Years
Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.
If I’m on the Listserv I Can Put It on My Resume, Right?
I look at my resume. Job experience: tennis teacher. Clubs and activities: under the button. Darn it, this won’t get me that internship at Goldman Sachs.
I'm Healing My Inner Child by Posting on Sidechat
He has a spelling test tomorrow.
Penn SHS Recommends Receiving 100 Backshots Before Bed to Avoid Freshman Flu
My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse.
Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird
Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.
