“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 

Most disappeared in pairs, but some particularly cruel socks remained even as their partners left, just to taunt me. There is nothing so horrible as being able to find only one sock out of a pair.

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?

Every man for themselves…

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!

Holy shit. She is so funny.