If you're going to talk in the quiet car at least make it about something cool like insider trading. 

What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?

enjoy <3

“I’m excited to announce…” Translation: “Please validate me.”

We’ll miss you, you crazy kid

Beth from Bainbridge street is so valid.

Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.

I have a tattoo behind my ear and I’m still scared of needles and do you believe in false dichotomies?

Who needs a Penn card when you have a credit card?!!

There is a lot at stake in this upcoming election. Our democracy is on the ballot, and so is your right for me not to fill your lungs with more metal than a vape.

I’m not sure what type of animal she is but she looks delicious.

please

This Yom Kippur, I’ll be thanking God for the ultimate gift: repentance and a size 24.

I love John Mayer.

Although the portrait of the Meiklejohns can be offputting, UTB assures you that they’re pretty chill once you get to know them. 

This little guy's been with her through thick and thin. And, he has the scars to prove it: a small tear from years of loving hugs, a scratched glass-eye from falling out the car window on a family road-trip, and now, a crusty patch of fur from Amanda’s recent situationship.

They will tell their bouncer to kindly inform all attendees that a “special guest” may be showing up.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m not longer shocked and appalled by it.

Under the Button would like to distance itself from any alleged associations with the Daily Pennsylvanian at this time.

Why tf are acronyms so difficult at Penn??