Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 

This is the new Freshman experience.

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.

Athletes don't get enough thanks. Let's change that. It's time to listen to minority voices and uplift our stoic heroes. 

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?