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BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 


Inspiring: Brave Student Transforms Roommate's Side of Dorm into Compost Pile

Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile. 


Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.


Student “Grinding Tonight” Somehow Will Be Smoking Three and a Half Joints

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.


Feminist of the Week! Frat Brother Pours Me Water Instead of Spiking My Drink

Meet the man who is single-handedly reversing gender roles and saving damsels in distress.


OP-ED: I Am “Normalizing” My ADHD by Using It as an Excuse to Get Out of Things

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”


Girl With Main Character Complex Finds Her Coming of Age Story Has Lots of Aging, Not Enough Coming

After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. 


BREAKING: Your Dad Outed You to Your Grandparents Because ”You Were Taking Too Long"

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.


Girl Who Bikes Wants You to Know She Bikes

If I am being honest, I would rather eat nails and shit them out one by one than walk.


BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.


Philly Ranked #1 City for Metallic Clanking and Grinding Noises at 3 A.M.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”


Breaking: Your Friend Who Keeps Saying “Everyone Needs Therapy” Really Has to Go to Therapy

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."


OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?


Uh Oh: Increasing Number of Student Essays Include the Phrase “All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy”

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”


Girl Who is Down for Anything Convicted of Murder

One minute, I was just down to rally for the Zete late night, the next minute I was in the midst of executing a planned murder.


Fashion King! Man Sets Trend Wearing Sweatpants and Sweatshirt Everyday

Open your eyes to the young faces of the future of fashion


Breaking: Penn Has a Football Team

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 


Beyond Anarchy: Sophomore Sips Water 20 Minutes Before COVID-19 Test

The motive behind this borderline criminal activity has yet to be uncovered. Was this a lone act of defiance against the system?


BREAKING: The Worst Person You Know Responded “Maybe” to Facebook Event

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 


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