Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of
The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.
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If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of
The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.
Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas
Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life.
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon
OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!!
I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World
Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!
Campus in Agreement: Shameless Plug Actually Pretty Shameful
To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.
Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann
Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read
Beloved Math 104 Professor Robert Ghrist Unveils New NSFW YouTube Channel
Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice.
Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life
Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!
The Next Zuckerberg? My LinkedIn Profile Just Got Four Views
Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.
Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius
Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.
Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends
My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.
Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors
"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight. We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."
Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story
Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought?
Meet the Bitter and Unfulfilled Penn Students Who Stared Blankly After I Stuck My Thumbs in My Ears and Made a Funny Face
UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”
BREAKING: Guy With Something To Prove Wearing Shorts Right Now
According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.
Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class
Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles.
Progressive! Frats Host Anti-women’s Suffrage Fundraiser, Claiming They “Don’t Want Women to Suffer Anymore”
Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.
Romantic Dating With Breadth vs Depth-First Search Algorithms
You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.
OP-ED: They Should Just Stack the High Rises on Top of Each Other
Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.
