Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?
The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!
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Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday
Are there any other pisces in the room?
Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?
The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!
BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck
Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.
Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday
Are there any other pisces in the room?
OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does
Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out.
BREAKING: Mini Pret to Be Built in Pret Inside Huntsman Hall
Welcome to the future and Vive la France!
Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)
ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)
OP-ED: Gays Are in Stem Only Because It’s Like Pills and Potions
I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.
OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?
How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
McClelland Bowls Now Just Rice
If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.
Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard
You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)
Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia
Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.
My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up
"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."
Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
Girl With a Kind Face Starts Charging a Therapist’s Fee for Trauma Dumping
Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.
Wharton Student Opens Dictionary To Random Page, Discovers “Middle Class” On Page 453
"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”
Boring! Putin Employs Overdone ‘Will They or Won’t They’ Trope in Ukraine
The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone.
OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care
Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.
BREAKING: People Who Are Trying to Fuck Get Trapped in Elevator
“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.”
Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?
I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.
Penn to Suspend Campus Operations Until They Get To the Bottom of What’s Going on (Theta Big-Little Week)
Scott Newman
Monday, Feb. 21, 2022Mon, Feb 21, 2022
An eerie silence has settled over campus as students have returned to their homes to fastidiously monitor the Instagram activities of Kappa Alpha Theta sisters.
