Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.

As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against. 

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 

Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.

Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.

What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence. 

Perhaps with incentive, they could teach professors to intentionally reveal their Grindr histories and takeout orders while lecturing about far less riveting topics like Oscar Wilde.

The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?

The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.

Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.

If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check. 

“It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.” 

A wise man once said “If you give a man a fish one day, you give him one fish for that day, but if you teach a man how to be a fish, then he can be your fish for a lifetime”. This is exactly why I pay Lyn for my bacon egg and cheese by giving her one bite of my bacon egg and cheese. 

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.