Most Recent
Failure: My Summertime Tony Soprano Arc Was Nothing More Than Excessive Lunchmeat and Uncontrollable Anger
Real Italians live in New Jersey, and they say words like gabagool and moozarell and manicot.
RSVP to Mousewarming on Partiful—The Mice Living in My Walls Are Also Hosting a Housewarming
You know what they say: warm house, warm heart.
Welcome Back! We Preferred You Abroad.
So much happened last semester and it would take way too long to catch you up. Like Mark, for example, almost got a girlfriend. Twice.
Damnit! Local Student Rehearses Question Three Times Before Raising Hand, Still Fucks Up
Early reports indicate that this incident will spell the end of her professional career before it’s even begun.
I Got Rejected from Kite and Key Three Times, and I Still Don’t Know Why
The third time wasn’t the charm.
40 Things That Will Happen Before Penn Picks a New President
Number 12 WILL shock you.
Report: After Budget Cuts, Penn East Asian Studies Department Can Only Afford to Study Local Sophomore Lucas Kim
Kim has so far been the subject of publications such as “Measuring the Sensitivity of Japanese Consumers to Inflation by Tracking Lucas Kim’s Valorant Purchases” and “Queering Representations of the East Asian Diaspora: Conversations with Lucas Kim, a Heterosexual Man.”
Report: Joe Biden Forgets He Dropped Out of the Race, Campaigns Even Harder
Liaisons to House Representative Nancy Pelosi reportedly were briefing the President on his previous decision to drop out of the race, using visual guides and a screening of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates to underscore their message.
Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week
Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.
Passover Gone Wrong: These JVP Members Are Being “Passed Over” in Their Grandparents’ Wills
“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.
Stop Asking Me About Voting It’s Been 3 Years How Do You Not Know I’m Not American Please Stop
Say it to me now: Faresi is not American, he can't vote, let's not harass him about voting
TV Show Celebrity Decides One Year On Campus Pretty Much Enough For Him
“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”
Happy Earth Day! Penn Announces Plans to Cement Over Biopond for the Construction of a New Wawa
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot to a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise.
Ramadan Kareem! J. Larry Jameson Leads Friday Jummah Prayer in Efforts to Address Penn Administration's Islamophobia
He now goes by Shaikh J.(Jamal) Al-Latif Jaabir
Faking Interest
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.
I Interviewed The Drag Queen Who Planned Tel Aviv Night at Smokes
“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.”
New Quaker Day Activity Showed Parents Where Their Children Will Later be MERTed
By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.
"I Saw the Solar Eclipse With My Naked Eye": UTB’s Experience With the Total Solar Eclipse
Was it cool, sure? Was it worth feeling like I was living in Netflix’s Don’t Look Up, not really?
