Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.

So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up... 

Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."

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After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.

This white man truly does not discriminate at all! 

I think it's fine, so it is. 

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!