“I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 

You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.

 In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza. 

Better step it up student athletes! 

It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms. 

“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.” 

What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.

We may never recall all we found to be normal prior to the beginning of the pandemic, but we should not get caught up in the importance of trying to regain that sense of normalcy; we need to do more. 

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected. 

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 

Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. 

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 

Students have mixed reactions to new “Locust Lust” platform.

"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.”