When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.

 The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.  

We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d

But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.

At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.” 

Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off. 

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.