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Heartbreaking: No One Knew What “Owls” Was at This Student’s Internship

The workers seemed indifferent toward Theos, constantly misunderstood the name Apes, and displayed complete and total confusion as to whatever it is Phi Roses does on campus. 


Wharton GRC Kicked Off Campus After Mocktail Networking Session #2 Got A Little Too Crazy

“Chug, chug, chug,” another freshman recounted between tears, remembering how every drop of “The Market Mule” she put down made her think she’d be hip like the people in GRC. After being rushed to Penn Med that night, she now knows better, she says.


How Was My Summer Internship? Two Words: Clash of Clans Town Hall Level Seven

Life is suffering, and the only way to alleviate it is Clash of Clans or percocets.



Justice for the Little Sibling: Exposing the Dark Underbelly of DP Photo

Giving a voice to the voiceless.


Help! Which Identity Based Social Circle Should I Segregate Myself Into?

I hope you found your community immediately after reading this enlightening article!


It’s Murder on the Dance Floor: My American Roommate Says I’m Exactly Like Fleabag

And, no, I don’t think it’s because Fleabag and I are both skinny and brunette. 


Failure: My Summertime Tony Soprano Arc Was Nothing More Than Excessive Lunchmeat and Uncontrollable Anger

Real Italians live in New Jersey, and they say words like gabagool and moozarell and manicot.


RSVP to Mousewarming on Partiful—The Mice Living in My Walls Are Also Hosting a Housewarming

You know what they say: warm house, warm heart.


Welcome Back! We Preferred You Abroad.

So much happened last semester and it would take way too long to catch you up. Like Mark, for example, almost got a girlfriend. Twice. 


Damnit! Local Student Rehearses Question Three Times Before Raising Hand, Still Fucks Up

Early reports indicate that this incident will spell the end of her professional career before it’s even begun.


I Got Rejected from Kite and Key Three Times, and I Still Don’t Know Why

The third time wasn’t the charm.


40 Things That Will Happen Before Penn Picks a New President

Number 12 WILL shock you. 


Report: After Budget Cuts, Penn East Asian Studies Department Can Only Afford to Study Local Sophomore Lucas Kim

Kim has so far been the subject of publications such as “Measuring the Sensitivity of Japanese Consumers to Inflation by Tracking Lucas Kim’s Valorant Purchases” and “Queering Representations of the East Asian Diaspora: Conversations with Lucas Kim, a Heterosexual Man.”


Report: Joe Biden Forgets He Dropped Out of the Race, Campaigns Even Harder

Liaisons to House Representative Nancy Pelosi reportedly were briefing the President on his previous decision to drop out of the race, using visual guides and a screening of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates to underscore their message.


Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.


Passover Gone Wrong: These JVP Members Are Being “Passed Over” in Their Grandparents’ Wills

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.


Stop Asking Me About Voting It’s Been 3 Years How Do You Not Know I’m Not American Please Stop

Say it to me now: Faresi is not American, he can't vote, let's not harass him about voting


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