The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” 

They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials. 

This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains. 

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!

But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.

The famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let the coronavirus pandemic stop them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive. 

Have you heard their jokes? How have these guys achieved international stardom? 

Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.

Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.

Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.  

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“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 

Hint: It's all of them!

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes.

Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub