Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

Whenever my TA Albert plays the devilu2019s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons | Becky Weisberg

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.

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Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 

An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics. 

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”