You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 

Is she... you know...?

For Alex, we decided to create a custom Jeopardy game centered around the one question we all have: what happens after we die? 

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.

She works so hard.

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!

The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!  

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.