Biden has famously responded: “Palestinians have to learn to stop viewing their opponents as enemies”, “I love Hamas! I put it on my falafel all the time” and, “Israel? What’s that?”

The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.

I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.  

 We at UTB have one thing to say to Tropical Storm Theta – yaaaasss and slay!!! 

Have you shitted while in writing seminar?

Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!

I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 

This phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 

Just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified in the latest email. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 

There is literally nothing else for me to add to make the situation funnier than it is

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title?