The year is 2016, and it’s another crummy day at Glendale High School. You’ve just finished a nourishing plate of hash browns and pizza, so you put your tray up and get ready for 6th period. But just as you make your way to the cafeteria exit, something happens that would irreversibly change the course of your school day.

My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. 

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 

“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”

Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 

My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 

Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!

At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.