Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  

The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.

“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

Election season is in full swing and we keep hearing that term "silent majority," but who is the silent majority really? Take this quiz to see if you are a part of this special group!

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”

以前，中国学生都想去美国读书，但是现在，他们真的不明白美国为什么会搞成这样。还是在中国上学吧，起码你还可以去校园上课。

Back in August, taking a gap semester seemed like a good idea to would-be College Sophomore Sophie Smith, but now that all her friends are back in school and she's living under her parents' roof, she has decided that the spring semester can't come soon enough.

To those who insist religion is obsolete, I have one simple response: if our world is not subject to divine enchantment, then who’s been caressing my body every night around midnight? 

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

This student is spending his quarantine at the Wii Sports Resort.