“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!” 

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here 

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 

Oh, give me a break.

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from.