Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! Youu2019ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. Thereu2019s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing-- oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 

“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.

At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn. 

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.

 “Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.  

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 

Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??

Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.

Despite recent events, I had held out held hope that perhaps democracy still existed somewhere in the dark and distant corners of the world. That hope died as soon as I heard the news of the latest political tragedy: the decrease in voter turnout for Penn student government elections.

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape.