"It's great to have somebody that isn't afraid to share their thoughts with everyone. But his desire to free America from the shackles of big government alongside a cabal of free-thinking business magnates isn't really appropriate for this class."

“No doubt, denim has some astounding properties. Not only does contact with it give the wearer a sense of well-being, but it also prevents them from feeling like a complete and utter drain on society’s resources.”

Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. 

Over at Student Health Services, we know that the young mind is susceptible to poor decision making, and will likely put lust over logic. Therefore, we’ve created this document of SHS’s top tips and tricks to help navigate sexual relations during the pandemic.

In reality, the whole visit to Walter Reed was not serious at all. It was basically just a check-up with a sleepover component.

It seems like we all enjoy putting ourselves through the pain of school work just so we can get out of it and feel better.  

Dear God, I pray not only for the death of Donald Trump, but I pray that his death is long and suffering. I wish that he shits himself from fear as the doctors put tube after tube down his throat.

I’ll say it if no one else will: this could all happen in a GroupMe, or even over iMessage. It’s time we unlearn the lessons Slack has taught us. 

While the COVID-19 test typically determines whether someone is positive or negative for the virus, Biden received a not-so-shocking additional result, that he is in fact a lame ass bitch nerd loser. 

Trump is usually so good at coming up with his own hoaxes so it’s just a little disappointing to see him play into someone else’s this time.

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.

Under the Button gathered the top scientists and most powerful microscopes in the world to help find where the fuck Spring Break went. 

Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money.

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent.  

I write some of my own poetry and short stories and, of course, I'm reading high literary art including the likes of Joyce, Faulkner, and Marlowe, but sometimes after a long day of scholarly pursuits, I find myself indulging in my high school guilty pleasure: fan-fiction. 

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“

“Sure, the greater Philadelphia area faces an opioid epidemic, but the real crime is my dealer trying to charge me $100 for a gram of coke.”

I...II... - two negative tests. I counted again with tally marks to make sure. |...||... - two negative tests. I had coronavirus.

What was worst of all by far, was that the moving crew felt the need to ship Bubbles back to her in the same box as her winter coats. 

Stiller: [Gesturing wildly to the Cloisonne Lion statues] "Do you see these guys? Huh?! Do you have any idea what these bastards did to me last night?!"