US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics
Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”.
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Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back
The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight.
US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics
Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”.
If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom
My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.
Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back
The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight.
Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks
On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.
Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter
Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?
8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy
While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in.
It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma
Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.
5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation
Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!
OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch
At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.
Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller
Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills.
"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted
"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."
OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.
Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.
Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?
When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.
Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can
Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.
Report: Zoom Breakout Rooms Found to be Quieter than Cold Vacuum of Space
The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.
OP-ED: To Gain Support Among Liberals, The Fracking Industry Needs To Get WOKE
“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!
BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot
Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused.
How Putin Will Vote By Mail in US Election
“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”
BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme
Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.
BREAKING: Trump and Biden Put Aside Differences, Agree Bulbasaur Best Starter Pokémon
“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.
