I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.

Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year. 

In the midst of my musings, the realization that my doubts were sinful hit me. I immediately sought to repent. I drove to campus to confess my wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. As I, sweaty and tired from the drive, pounded on the gates of The Honorable President Gutmann's estate, I was delivered. She arrived.

It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? 

While of course, safety comes first and I would never want professors teaching in-person if they weren't comfortable with it, I was struggling to see how the University could call the fall semester a hybrid experience. Fortunately, I was able to interview President Gutmann and now, it all makes sense to me!

 “I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 

All of my friends have been assigned rooms in actual dorms. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for them. They kept going on and on about how "I have a kitchen now" and I didn't have the heart to point out that living in a dumpster is like living with an all you can eat buffet

While rising seniors are struggling with the uncertainty, Penn’s star-studded squad of super super seniors is taking it even harder. 

It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such. I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom. 

Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 

I make the majority of my yearly salary listening to students who live in the quad freak out thinking they have skin cancer or something, when it's really just Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. From a dermatological perspective, the Penn campus wasn't that safe health-wise before the pandemic. There's nothing to lose!" - Dr. Rose Clearskin, Dermatologist at Wartz B Gone Practice

Assuming Kanye wins every toss-up vote, every Democratic-leaning vote, and every Republican-leaning vote, he will have secured a total of 225 electoral college votes, easily beating out both Biden and Trump.  

Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat!

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.

When I woke up to see #Disneyisoverparty on Twitter, I thought to myself, "No way! Surely it would take more than some angry Twitter users to end a billion-dollar corporation." But this is America, fellas. This, not Disney, is the land where dreams come true. 

The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.