Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others
Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before.
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BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon
Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards
Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others
Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before.
Student Excited to be Back Making Direct Eye Contact with Self for 15-25 Hours a Week
Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.
BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon
Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards
Big Win! Mom Said I Get to Pick Out a Special Treat at the Grocery Store
I waited patiently as we put eggs, milk, and butter in our cart. I watched cautiously as my mom put fruits and veggies into our cart. By the time Mom put the bread in the cart I was getting antsy. I couldn't stop thinking about my special treat.
Penn Mandates Drexel Shirts When Partying
“So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"
Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went
The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye.
Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate
Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.
Study Shows Boyfriend Really Good at Using Computers
The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis.
OP-ED: Y'all Wanna Hotbox This Breakout Room?
So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!
Welcome to My Island! A Photo Tour of the 1 Mile Radius Around My House.
Based on my high-tech Fitbit, I can guarantee that I've spent 99.5% of my time within a one-mile radius of my house. Having spent so much time here the past few months, I thought it was fitting to give you a tour of my special little island filled with highlights from my town.
BREAKING: Instead of Paying PILOTs, Penn Offering 50% BOGO on Bookstore Apparel to All West Philly Residents
When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."
OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively
It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”
Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda
“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.”
CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted
“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”
Phila. Capitalist Group Apparently Responsible for Historic Unrest, Property Destruction
Capitalizing off tensions arising in part due to the Cold War, this group successfully destroyed the property of thousands of people in West Philadelphia during the 1960s.
Vape God Tommy Loves Breakout Rooms
“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.”
OP-ED: Here Is How Beto Can Still Win
Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!
Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work
"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus.
Looking Back on 2020: Cats Was an Omen
I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?
Freshman Misunderstands Penn’s “Online Shopping Period”, Buys World’s Largest Gummy Bear from Vat19.com
“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.
