Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!

Professor Devito will live directly under the bridge but may come out at night and surprise students. 

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.

The University declined to respond, citing the inability to hear concerns over the sound of money pouring in from freshman dining plans. 

You thought that dropping a class in the middle of a party, because you didn't want to study for the midterm, was funny. You thought that it was a party trick. It became your party trick. 

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.

Keystone Light came in at a close second.

The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house.

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."

“I personally think Odyssey is a catalyst for social change,” Parsons said. “There are conversations that people need to be having, like such as about how feminism is just not super important for me personally, and it’s fine if it is for you, but I need you to respect my point of view as a writer.”

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.