Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party
By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.
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Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back
The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.
Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party
By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.
OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex
These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time.
Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back
The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.
Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”
It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.
Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer
Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.”
Anyone Feel Like Sexting?
So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?
A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here
It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.
TA's Scholarly Work in Urban Housing Serving Her Well as Glorified 'Apple Genius' For Elderly Professor
Fernandez has been able to apply her 280-page dissertation by turning on the projector, connecting laptops to the projector, and explaining other details of the projector to Professor Thompson.
Amy Gutmann Diagnosed With Rare Medical Condition: Can Only Read Change.org Petitions
Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.
Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications
“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”
Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”
What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.
QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?
What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!
Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video
"I don’t even need to put on pants!"
OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher
“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”
OP-ED: Instead of Helping FGLI Kids, Penn Should Support MGHI (Many Generations, High Income) Students
MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked.
The Louvre Didn't Burn Down, but This Is the Picture I Would Post If It Did
The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.
COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic
"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."
Online Classes Huge Victory for Anti-Pants Community
Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann to AirDrop Diplomas to Graduating Seniors
With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs.
Help! Wendell Pritchett Just Broke Into My Apartment and Started Boxing Up My Stuff
He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".
