OP-ED: I’m Saving Divorce Until Marriage
Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it.
Most Recent
OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have
Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.
OP-ED: I’m Saving Divorce Until Marriage
Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it.
Life Hack! Stay Alert by Micro-Dosing Masturbation
Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.
OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have
Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.
Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches
“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously.
BREAKING: Fro Gro Closure Actually an Elaborate Heist to Promote New Trader Joe's Shuttle
A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.
Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early
"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.
OP-ED: Thank Writing Seminar, I Are Better Write
(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.
Sophomore to Study Abroad in Quahog, Rhode Island
“It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV,” said Wharton sophomore Roger Smith about his decision to study abroad in the small New England town of Quahog, Rhode Island.
OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?
So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.
Can You Guess the Campus Building Based on My Bad Drawing of It?
See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!
Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package
"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."
Frat Brothers Throw Epic Epidemic-Themed Downtown
Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive”
Please Do Not Contact Me. I Am Taking a Long, Sensual Bath in the Kelly Writers House Bathroom.
I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.
OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes
Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line.
After Months of Excavation, Penn Archaeologists Find Single Piece of Chicken in My Honeygrow Bowl
“This was our toughest dig yet,” noted Lee, who has conducted decade-long digs in Oman, Iraq, and Mongolia.
Sad: Perry the Platypus Kicked Out of His World House
"This is fucking bullshit," remarked Perry as he scoured Airbnb to find a new home. "I built this entire establishment with my own bill and beavertail. Do these fuckers even know who I AM? My name is Agent Fucking P, and you'll be hearing from me in court."
OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry
Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you?
Fro Gro Bag Lives Thrilling Second Life as Bathroom Trash Can Liner
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.
New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer
There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.
Amy Gutmann’s Husband Furious That She Keeps Gentrifying the Backyard
Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.
