The Only Answer For This Divisive Political Climate? Jeb!
We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.
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OP-ED: I Don’t Follow Politics but Andrew Yang Could Venmo Me $1000
The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.
The Only Answer For This Divisive Political Climate? Jeb!
We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.
Meet the Self-Proclaimed Communist Working at McKinsey Next Year
"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.
OP-ED: I Don’t Follow Politics but Andrew Yang Could Venmo Me $1000
The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.
OP-ED: I'm in Penn Dems and Yes, I Fall Asleep to Pre-Recorded ASMR Phone Bankers
Between canvassing, registering voters, and getting positively trashed to cope with the fact that Mike Bloomberg is actually gaining traction, my fellow Dems and I have no time to sleep. That is why we have taken the time to record our most skilled phone bankers in the act.
Penn Regular Admission Sees Stand-Out Class, Mainly My Little Sister
Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend.
Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for the Car Table at Distrito
What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know.
Meet the New Club Changing Things up at Penn: PennPercs
In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air.
BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”
According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.
Quiz: Ghost Town or the Weingarten Learning Resources Center?
Ian Ong
Sunday, Feb. 2, 2020Sun, Feb 2, 2020
Buckle up, because this might be a little bit tricky! Will you be able to tell the difference between a dilapidated ghost town and the Weingarten Learning Resources Center? Find out in the quiz below.
Breaking! Bethany’s Break Was “Soooo goood omgosh how was yours?? How are youu!?”
Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.
Writer’s Block Begone! Here Are 12 More Free Sentences You Can Plop Into Your Essay
Grace Ginsburg
Friday, Jan. 31, 2020Fri, Jan 31, 2020
Above all for existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, the death of God caused extreme anxiety in the hearts of Europeans.
This Is The Year I Crack This Alchemy Thing
If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom.
Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap
“We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project. The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances.
BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain
A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.
For Every Goose Canada Goose Kills They Vow to Plant a New One
Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA.
Student Runs Kissing Booth to Cure His Coronavirus
Elias Rappaport
, Alden Hallak
, Charlie Dolgenos
and Kelly Huang
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2020Thu, Jan 30, 2020
A young fundraising entrepreneur has taken to Locust Walk in order to raise money to cure his coronavirus.
Quiz: Do Your Parents Miss You or Do They Just Feel Obligated to Talk to You?
Josh Campbell
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2020Thu, Jan 30, 2020
Slowly, over time, have your parents stopped saying your name and started calling you by generic names like “champ”, “kiddo”, “disappointment”, or “buddy”?
Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad
Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.”
Man Explains Bernie to Woman
Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.
Jared Withdrawing From Society to “Focus on His Music”
“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.
