Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol
“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.
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BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind
The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”
Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol
“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.
Jazz&Grooves Scrambling for New Act After 7 Gecs Escape
Caroline Curran
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 2020Wed, Feb 5, 2020
Jazz&Grooves noted that the search has been challenging due to a lack of clarity on what a gec looks like or even is.
BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind
The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”
BREAKING: Penn Biden Center Endorses Bernie Sanders For President
“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.”
Sad! This Senior Missed the Deadline to Add Friends
She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.
How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed
I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.
Girl Who Bullet Journals Daily Actually a Freak in Bed
When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.
‘The Walk’ Rebrands to ‘The Strut’ in Bid to Increase Panache
Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?
Queen Shit! McKenzie Blacked Out Again Last Night
McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”
OP-ED: Yeah I Might Have Narcolepsy, or Maybe I’m Just Vibing
Some may say I most likely have narcolepsy and should seek treatment. I say yeah, maybe. Or maybe I’m just vibing.
Editorial | Under The Button Endorses Colonel Sanders for President
Joe Biden has been flip-flopping for the last 50 years. Meanwhile Col. Sanders has been using the same 11 herbs and spices. Sure, the Colonel is not a seasoned veteran of the political process, but goddamn if that chicken isn’t perfectly seasoned every time.
The Only Answer For This Divisive Political Climate? Jeb!
We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.
Meet the Self-Proclaimed Communist Working at McKinsey Next Year
"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.
OP-ED: I Don’t Follow Politics but Andrew Yang Could Venmo Me $1000
The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.
OP-ED: I'm in Penn Dems and Yes, I Fall Asleep to Pre-Recorded ASMR Phone Bankers
Between canvassing, registering voters, and getting positively trashed to cope with the fact that Mike Bloomberg is actually gaining traction, my fellow Dems and I have no time to sleep. That is why we have taken the time to record our most skilled phone bankers in the act.
Penn Regular Admission Sees Stand-Out Class, Mainly My Little Sister
Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend.
Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for the Car Table at Distrito
What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know.
Meet the New Club Changing Things up at Penn: PennPercs
In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air.
BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”
According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.
Quiz: Ghost Town or the Weingarten Learning Resources Center?
Ian Ong
Sunday, Feb. 2, 2020Sun, Feb 2, 2020
Buckle up, because this might be a little bit tricky! Will you be able to tell the difference between a dilapidated ghost town and the Weingarten Learning Resources Center? Find out in the quiz below.
