I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.

This defies reason. Boise, the cultural heart of the northwest, faces dramatic political realignment. Mayoral endorsement by the Daily Pennsylvanian would have gone a long way in shaping the future of this vital region.

Under the Button is taking a stance! Penn, we implore you, go to the polls!

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape.

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.

The issue with coming from New Jersey is that I have no experience with Christianity. My high school was made up exclusively of Jews, atheists, and Jewish atheists.

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.

“Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 

Imagine: One day Eric is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice but is not a billionaire. The next moment, he is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice and is a billionaire. It almost makes me tear up when I think about it.

“It’s an acquired taste,” says Goff, “At first, I didn’t know how to appreciate PennInTouch. Now, it is my favorite beauty to look at.”

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why? Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief.

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!

Wilco had no comment. But I could tell he was proud to be an American.

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.

Poor baby, you don’t know anything about reality. You probably don’t even have lesions on your genitals. How are you going to work at a big, bad company like Goldman without a disfiguring STI?

“I just don’t get why stairs still exist. Like I get it for people who live in villages or farms or whatever, but for those of us who grew up in skyscrapers, which is obviously most of Penn, stairs are really challenging and, quite frankly, horrifying.” 

“Factor? I barely know her!” After receiving no audible response, he boldly tried again, this time louder for the whole class to hear.

Handshake calls itself “the largest career community for students and recent grads.” Well, do you know where diseases spread? That’s right — communities. And do you know how they spread? Physical touch.