“We just felt that there wasn’t enough interest in these courses,” said Penn Chemistry Professor Antonine Levoissier, “By ending the undergraduate program, we hope that we can encourage students to nap in their dorms instead of in the Chemistry lecture hall.” 

After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government.

The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them. 

Uh huh you know what it is: PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka.

Spending every day calculating the odds of death and disaster can make the world seem like a dark and depressing place.

Now that fall is officially upon us, that guy who wears the same Adidas hoodie every day can “finally start dressing.”

 “The roll just spun,” Kraper recalls, painfully, “Around and around. There was no end. There was no beginning. It spun and spun, like the repeating days of my life. An endless cycle, indistinguishable, unrecognizable. Time blurs into a haze.” 

Have you ever looked up a book on Franklin only to find that it’s located in Fisher Fine Arts? No? That’s because they have exactly four (4) (fɔr/fɔː) books within their walls. 

After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.

Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.

This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.

You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.

Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.

Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.” 

When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."

“This is our Plymouth.”

If you could read, you would know this is reserved.

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 

I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.