She scrolled through his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest to find a flattering, non-blurry picture of his face from the past three years to no avail. All she could find were group pictures from his middle school soccer team and blurry Photo Booth selfies with the sepia filter.

“The part where he watches his childhood best friend die from a grand mal seizure was not particularly compelling. His grandfather’s ongoing battle with dementia, juxtaposed with his brother’s debilitating opioid addiction was a nice thought, but not successfully executed.” 

Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing! 

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.

Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes?

Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.

All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.

There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 

"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”

The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone. 

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.

This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."

IFC Spokesman and Wharton junior Chad Buchanan III explained how fraternities’ concern with gender representation in media prompted their commitment to having their parties pass the Bechdel Test, a set of criteria which requires that two women talk to each other about something other than a man. 

The food truck will have the familiar comforts of a perpetually empty chocolate milk machine, tiny oranges that aren’t worth the effort to peel, and too much fucking pineapple. 

Everywhere from VP to the Highrise Sky Lounges, Orgo students can be found playing with their rod and balls, trying new positions and configurations.

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.

For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.

“Putin wouldn’t return my calls, and, to be fair, Zelensky sounds pretty Russian. So one thing led to another. You know...we all make mistakes. How was I supposed to know Ukraine wasn’t Russia?"