News
Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day
I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?
You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale
Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!
Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore
Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.
Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location
Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator.
Sorority Hazing Takes Cruel Turn With Mandatory Consumption of Non-Diet Soda
Rumors the girls were having a “coke” night had spread throughout the PC a few nights before; however, no one thought it could refer to something so sinister – even cocaine has zero calories.
Breaking: Student Tarred and Feathered in Huntsman After Using GSR to Do College of Arts & Sciences Econ Homework
Let the Punishment Fit the Crime.
Aww! Freshman Couple Celebrates Three-Month Anniversary by Applying for Group Housing Together
2gether 4ever muahmuah
After Eagles Super Bowl Win, CVS Replaces Entire Viagra Section With Framed Photos of Cooper Dejean
COOPER DEJEAN. PICK SIX. TOUCHDOWN. Your erect penis has ripped a hole straight through the front of your jeans.
Line Blurs Between Playing Hard to Get and Standing Alone in Apes Basement
ALERT! You're not being elusive!! He thinks you're really weird!!
Student Sitting on Toilet Endures Standoff With Cockroach
The student was shocked but remained calm, knowing the roach was dangerous and not to be provoked.
The Daily Pennsylvanian to be 100% Chinese by 2050
When reached for comment, a representative of The DP replied “申し訳ありませんが、英語は話せません。”
If Hazing Is Morally Wrong, How Do We Weed Out the Little Bitches?
After a surprising number of rush chairs and presidents took PHIL 1000, they realized that hazing is — at best — morally questionable and perhaps wrong.
Photo Essay: A Mouse’s Tour of the High Rises
Welcome to Rodin College House, where ambition meets concrete.
Breaking: Donald Trump (W '68) Stalls Saxby's Closing by 90 Days in Unprecedented Executive Order
Order comes amidst fears of coming closure.
BREAKING: Cork and Candles Shuts Down After Management Realizes What a Dumbass Idea It Was
Marketing professor Barbara Kahn put it plainly: "I don't know what the fuck they were thinking."
Breaking: Icicle Falls, Piercing My Chest and Killing Me
Just last week, light struck me.
After Successful Diddy Indictment, FBI Begins Preparing Case Against Penn Disney Acapella
They told me that if I'm looking to sing Disney songs, then Penn Disney A Cappella isn't the place for me. Penn Disney A Cappella is the place for hardcore deviant sex.
Now You Must Choose Between the Overcoat and Carhartt
It's Time to Choose.
Jealous: Student Who Ran Half Marathon Can Eat Whatever They Want for Next Two Days
When polled, students reported being extremely jealous of the student's incredible accomplishment: not the fact that they ran a grueling 13.1 miles straight, but their newfound ability to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough guilt-free.
To Improve Mental Health, Penn to Hang Two More Icicle Lights This Year
This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.