Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

“I’ve been a fan of the ‘Sixers since Dr. J joined the team in ‘76,” Wharton freshman Billy Hayes said. “Been trusting the process all along, and it’s finally starting to pay off.”

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.

Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito.

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!

College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m.

This increase of almost 5,000 applicants has pushed Penn’s acceptance rate down to a record-breaking “not as low as Harvard’s.”

Contrary to her ostensible enthusiasm for Kanye West's music and hyper-modern aesthetic, international student Jessica Bishop (W '20), currently wearing a Yeezy brand shirt purchased for $500, still confuses Kanye West with Tupac Shakur.

6:00 p.m. last Thursday, Jenny Diaz, desperate to find shoes before formal, urgently messaged her hall group chat to see if anyone had size 11.5 black heels she could borrow.

Recruiting season continues to get pushed earlier and earlier, and nobody is safe. Not even baby Quakers.

“Yo, check this out,” he messages you. “Up-and-comer for sure.”

Bloom is the newest member of the Psychology Department, which means he never again has to meet with his pre-major advisor in the Department of Biochemistry. 

Admissions, hats off to you for the creativity and mindfulness.

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.

I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural.

College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.

The discovery was made by sophomore Keith Porbant (C ’20). Every time he would feel a little sick and would pay a visit to Student Health, it would almost become routine that he would end up walking out with a diagnosis of mononucleosis. 

Recently, UTB met with Sidney Andrews, a sophmore in the College who goes to all of her classes because they’re on her schedule and her parents paid for them. Sorry, wHaT?! Yeah, I’ll repeat.

The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette.