Is this the new face of student athletes? 

 Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action. 

The ice cream social will take place on October 8th, as a tribute to the townhome residents who will be evicted on that day. Although none of the residents or community organizers are invited to the social, it is expected that President Magill will acknowledge them in her speech by vaguely referring to “Penn’s neighbors in West Philly” who “deserve our respect, but not our money nor our attention.” 

The results are in and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better. 

Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.

He has a spelling test tomorrow. 

My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse.

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

“Path@Penn is truly uncharted territory”, says academic advisor Moma. “I am very proud that Penn students are approaching the danger and unknown of Path@Penn dauntlessly. The students who have perished while pushing the frontiers of Path@Penn will not have died in vain."

Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.  

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported.

It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that.