Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”

Life is full of surprises. But one constant in my life has been seeing sorority sisters and fraternity brothers make their annual migration to the tropics for spring break.

Travel Update! The sisters of renowned sorority Delta Delta Delta have canceled their Miami plans, opting to visit the town of Kharagpur, West Bengal this March.

After months of being an observer in the culinary arts, I am now chef!

Pizza slices will be limited to one per person and will be a generous two inches in width.

Fiction before fact.

The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.

Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out. 

Welcome to the future and Vive la France!

I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.

If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.

You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)

Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.

"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.

"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 

“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.”