We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.

Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?

Celebrate you. Celebrate poo.

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”

According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.  

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.

You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.  

Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.

Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different.