Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

The comment said, “Photo credits to me." Naturally, the person who wrote this comment and your crush have been engaging in decadent sexual entanglements.

According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt. 

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.

This rebellion was a long instigated effort by both Panhellenic and University students to put an end to these horrible, white-girl anthem monstrosities.

After entering Spirit Halloween, Gutmann was quoted as asking store manager Joseph Kelly for the most appropriate traditional Lederhosen attire that would make her look “professional and honorable, but with an ass that just don’t quit."

How to make dirty money FAST. 

What? She doesn't like it when you ignore her? Oh, poor girl :( BOO HOO :(

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.

During her 90-second stroll, she waved to six acquaintances, had an elongated chat with a friend from freshman year, and was seen by half of the undergraduate population at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Girl entered a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from her circumstances, mood, and/ or relationships at a particular space in the general grounds and/ or buildings of the University of Pennsylvania. 

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 

Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.