“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 

After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 

Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.

A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.

The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.

"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure." 

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.

Get ready to see some graphic shit.

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.

Felt cute, might shit later.

Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware!