Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  

Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”

Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 

He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.  

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."

 “I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."