“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.

 The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.  

We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d

But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.

At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.” 

Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online. 

My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.  

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.

“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.