So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 

Hint: It's all of them!

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”