"Since we kicked kids off campus this semester, they will be so desperate to move into on campus housing that they won't even have time to complain about the lack of AC," explained Gutmann.

“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”  

Group 33 was baffled at the sheer ability to make a mistake that damn brainless, especially considering the first line of the article she cited was “Our company is launching to Peru, Maine (not to be confused with the country Peru for you special dumbasses)!” 

What most people never realize is that professors actually plan out for weeks the exact moment to release grades in order to cause the most heartbreak possible. It’s not easy to release your failed exam grade minutes after the pass fail deadline closes, it takes hard work and dedication to the craft.  

One student who was in beta-testing shared: “At 3 AM every night I post videos of myself crying to Hozier or Phoebe Bridgers while struggling to write 10-page essays. I see others post similar stories. It’s incredibly depressing… but, hey, at least we are in this together <3"

Plans for development include neural networking image recognition that filters out users that look too homosexual, ensuring this app is a safe space for normal people.

 After Thanksgiving where the whites celebrate the spreading of smallpox to the indigenous population of North America and giving thanks to God for letting them slaughter and enslave, the whites deserve to celebrate by buying a huge discounted TV that they can eat their unseasoned microwave dinners in front of.  

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 

“Look, you might have to do some searching to figure out where your assignments are. Not everything is handed to you on a plate--well, except for this quiz, I suppose.” 

I'm driving to my Aunt's house, which is only three hours away, and we aren't going to stop at all, like even for gas or to use the bathroom, I mean if we broke down we would literally walk the rest of the way even if it was hundreds of miles and. . .

What a Disaster! There were more BALLOTS than STUDENTS (Sad!), “glitches” everywhere, and Sleepy Amy Gutmann won’t allow a recount!

Despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense.

For Alex, we decided to create a custom Jeopardy game centered around the one question we all have: what happens after we die? 

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.”