Under the Button gathered the top scientists and most powerful microscopes in the world to help find where the fuck Spring Break went. 

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent.  

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“

“Sure, the greater Philadelphia area faces an opioid epidemic, but the real crime is my dealer trying to charge me $100 for a gram of coke.”

What was worst of all by far, was that the moving crew felt the need to ship Bubbles back to her in the same box as her winter coats. 

Stiller: [Gesturing wildly to the Cloisonne Lion statues] "Do you see these guys? Huh?! Do you have any idea what these bastards did to me last night?!"

This picture might look like expired milk, but what I imagine this picture smells like and what I imagine Joe Biden smells like are exactly the same. 

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.

Upon hearing of the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, affectionately called "RBG," hundreds flocked to the supreme court steps to honor her memory. But one man, Barry B. Fuddled went to the supreme court steps to honor another fallen hero, or so he thought. 

Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before. 

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 

I waited patiently as we put eggs, milk, and butter in our cart. I watched cautiously as my mom put fruits and veggies into our cart. By the time Mom put the bread in the cart I was getting antsy. I couldn't stop thinking about my special treat.

 “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"

The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. 

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."