Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

Costello did not respond to a request from Under the Button for comment. Those close to Costello say she wasn't surprised by the news and, felt that something like this was coming.   

 After months of practice and training, College junior Damian Trout set the world record for “Most Cans of La Croix consumed in a day” at 241 cans.  

As the only brother with access to weights, Jacob was now a god among now-emaciated men. 

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  

This is a closing time reference! 

"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees. 

“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying  terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”  

Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.

The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.

Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!

The administration is doubling down on asking students to return to campus with, “open hearts, a desire for fun, and a desire, but no commitment, to staying absolutely motionless for a considerable amount of time in accordance with our compact.”

Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 

"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."

Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.  

In the midst of my musings, the realization that my doubts were sinful hit me. I immediately sought to repent. I drove to campus to confess my wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. As I, sweaty and tired from the drive, pounded on the gates of The Honorable President Gutmann's estate, I was delivered. She arrived.

It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? 

While of course, safety comes first and I would never want professors teaching in-person if they weren't comfortable with it, I was struggling to see how the University could call the fall semester a hybrid experience. Fortunately, I was able to interview President Gutmann and now, it all makes sense to me!

 “I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 

All of my friends have been assigned rooms in actual dorms. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for them. They kept going on and on about how "I have a kitchen now" and I didn't have the heart to point out that living in a dumpster is like living with an all you can eat buffet