Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."

While we recognize that our establishment is closed, because of your lack of support, we want to assure you that we are still here for you.

This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.

“Jokes? What jokes? I don’t write jokes.”

Maybe he's related.... to the Huntsman family...... No, there's no way. It can't be...

Despite leaving them in her charging case for thirty-four minutes prior, her milky white listening devices have failed her. 

Uh-oh… it’s happening again.

“Yeah, now that I think about it, this global pandemic has actually worked out really well for me.”