"I don’t even need to put on pants!"

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”

The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 

Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.

He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”

Under the Button reached out to every single one of Greenfield’s high school friends, and was able to get in contact with all both.

Answer choices include the red triangle, blue diamond, yellow circle, and green square.

As the conference call began for URBS 250: City Planning for Climate Change, students began to realize that Professor Stanley Markowitz was going to be that close to the camera the entire call.

Professor Devito will live directly under the bridge but may come out at night and surprise students. 

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.

The University declined to respond, citing the inability to hear concerns over the sound of money pouring in from freshman dining plans.